I became a judge for the CBC Hockey Night in Canada Theme Song Contest because I got an e-mail saying "Do you want to be a judge?" and I thought…
"Oh man, if I don't do any other public service in my life, at least I will have helped choose the next Hockey Night in Canada Theme Song."
To qualify and show that I cared as a judge, I was asked to state why I would be a great hockey song chooser. I answered with the following…
1. I have a high likelihood of becoming a hockey mom, and I'd like to sing something good when I serenade my kids in the minivan.
2. I skate super infrequently due to my high centre of gravity, but when I do, I like to sing the Hockey Night in Canada song quietly under my breath as I make fearful laps around Nathan Phillips Square, and I'd like a good new song to nervously hum to.
I was chosen!
It came time to do the judging. You had to go and rate the potential of your 100 assigned songs, and you knew that each song was somebody's baby, and you know that they tried and probably hoped that by some chance they could put together some shit and hope that it would fly-
But it didn't because I was on the job! Public Service McGregor can see through your shit! No joking around!
A lot of them sounded like garage band or midi stuff, they were all immediately trashed. Some of them sounded like Headline News on CNN. Some of them sounded like they were a band in a garage in like, Ajax telling us just how good hockey is. I gave those a consistent 7 out of 10.
Others were more interesting. Some were like "hey baby baby lets make it happen on the ice uhhh uhhh oh yeah." Those songs made me want to grind a stranger during frosh week at Club Ménage, but then I realized that this was a hockey game theme song!
If a hockey song makes me want to drop everything, and despite my high centre of gravity, want to go to the nearest Canadian Tire and trade it all in for a hockey stick and some skates- that's a good song. That gets a 10.
I turn on the next song and it unsuspectingly becomes my favourite. It's the cheering, then it turns to fast-paced electronic beats and it's this old man singing, "Laaaaa laaa laa laa laa la la la la" and it sounds like he's in his living room. "Let's play hockey now! Let's play hockey now! It's Hockey Night on the CBC! Let's play hockey now!"
Then he starts singing about the black puck and how it bounces down the ice and how we just have to play hockey now! It was just so lovely because you could hear the sincerity in his voice. It sounded as if Stomping Tom Connors had too much to drink and took off his pants and was standing in the living room and was just bearing himself for the neighbours singing about hockey.
Then the electronic music happens, and aw man. It made me think that maybe Chris Sheppard and the rest of Love Inc. had stopped by to help after hearing his cries.
Then the other one I gave a 10 was really great too. It had an intro, but it didn't go on forever, and they had hockey sound effects and it was just great all around. It made me feel proud to be Canadian and want to watch hockey all at the same time.
I voted a 10 for that one for my country, but the old man also got a 10 for making such an amazing anthem.
It'll be neat to see what they do pick. I'll be floored if it was one of my 10's. I hope other judges took this public service seriously too. No messing around!
Oh, and if you hate the new song that is chosen, send me your phone number and I'll pretend to be the old man on your answering machine and sing "Let's Play Hockey Now!". Then you can just play it everytime there's a hockey game.
Cool?
